"I don't lose money. I just donate it to the liquidity pool."
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My family thinks I manage a Hedge Fund in New York. In reality, I am living in my grandmother's attic, hiding from the bank. I told them the Wi-Fi is faster up here for 'High-Frequency Trading'. Truth is, I just don't want them to see me crying over a chart of a coin named after a frog.
The phone rang at 3 AM. It wasn't a client. It was the spirit of the market. 'He bought?' they whispered. 'Dump it.' I tried to explain to the liquidation engine that my analysis was flawless, but apparently, 'Trust Me Bro' is not a valid form of collateral. My net worth is now a phone number... mostly zeros.
They call it gambling. I call it 'Strategic Liquidity Injection via Randomized Dice Theory'. I put my sister's tuition fee on a 100x Long because a guy on Twitter with an anime profile picture said 'WAGMI'. That Mercedes in the back? It's a JPEG. I don't actually own it. Yet.
Everything is on fire. The portfolio is down 99.9%. My co-founder is screaming. But look at me. Look at this composure. This is not a crash, gentlemen. This is just a 'Discount Opportunity'. I am not burning alive; I am simply forging my hands into diamonds in the fires of hell. This is fine.
4:00 AM. Eyes bleeding. Brain smooth. I am researching the tokenomics of a coin created 15 minutes ago by a developer named 'ScamWizard69'. Fundamental Analysis? No. I invest based on vibes and the number of rocket emojis in the Telegram chat. This is the peak of financial evolution.
The dev sold. The marketing team left. It's just me and this cactus I bought with my last $5. The chart looks like a cliff, but I'm not selling. I'm holding this bag until it goes to zero or Valhalla. I showed the market my finger, not out of anger, but out of pure, unfiltered delusion.
They laugh now. But one day, the pump will come. The candles will turn green. And when I pull up in this white Lamborghini (which is definitely real and not a hallucination from sleep deprivation), they will ask for my secret. I will look down and whisper: 'I bought the dip, Uncle. I bought the dip.'
